Rules belong to border man. It’s a good thing they do for that matter, some of the people I’ve encountered I would cite in any length of sartorial poetry as borderline-man anyway. We must break the rules to break the records. But if any of those breakages result in a recording of your distasteful attire, it’s best to err the safe side of the sensibility.
In understanding, these borders exist to maintain you in your post-neanderthal self. They also stand to steer you away from your overzealous tendencies. They are never to enter you into a point of no return or similarly, the point at which people wish you would appropriate no-return. Never should these rules exert you into garbing beyond or below your duty of dress but merely teeter amongst them.
Faux pas account for 98% of the total accumulated wars (despite ironically being a faux pas in itself). Equally they tot-up 73% of wedding no-shows, 47% of arguments and grudges and 13% of one night stands* please reference first brackets.
Theory and fable tells us that the periodic table of elements was originally designated to differentiate between the codes of dress expected at any given event. These, although offering accolade in the slightest of situations, can deliver more issues if got wrong than any combination of combustible elements plucked from the science book.
My guide to dress, spread over the next few weeks, will arm you with a code of conduct more elaborate than anything pedaled by MI5 or the like. We’ll cover everything from black tie (check), white tie, morning dress, Hollywood black tie, lounge suit, wedding attire (not applicable to men of the cloth) and all the rest.
I’ll try to teach you the key points, I’ll try to teach you to avoid the uh oh’s, the moans, the groans and the divorces. I’ll try to teach you to keep your hands to your own accompaniment but some of you are hard students!
You will be grateful for dragging myself away from of any [civilized) rant at how the Women have it easier (we’ll keep our role in childbirth, ta) at these events. It is far too easy to fall into the trap of: I look like a penguin, you look like a penguin, everybody look like a penguin. Stressing how easy it is to fall into doesn’t quite equate to stressing how hard it is to get out of. You’re a penguin; embrace your penguinuity.
The misconceived relief at an invitation stating black tie optional is the last of the great reliefs I’d like to shoot down. For better wording it should state: black tie for any still gripping on to social echelons. The optional factor is a nudge in the right direction, and we all need one of those from time to time.
Here is a further nudge (or ten) in the right direction for black tie:
ony and characterise fake smiles.
A man’s attire is his costume; it is how the Halloween attire acts. For the night, this is your perception and ‘percepted’ respectively, let your accord follow suit.
Next week: (Wedding attire)
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