Ultimate: Adj - Being or happening at the end of a process; final.
Over the past (give or take) six weeks, I’ve been looking at what it takes become a modern man. For the most part, I’ve done my best to become him. Although I’m pretty sure my quest has failed, I at least know what I am aiming for; and the habits I’ll curb my son from achieving.
The ultimateMAN is everything a modernMAN should be. Everything I should be. To be honest, I’m not even sure I qualify as a modernMAN. I like eating SPAM and listening to Jazz – sometimes both at the same time. If Jazz is at all an affiliation of the modernMAN, it’s completely cancelled out by my alignment with the former.
How it has come about that I feel less of a MAN than when I started is beyond me. Despite this, I’m going to attempt a ‘how to’ guide on being the bane of femininity. I should say though, that these views should only be taken seriously if you are currently scatting your way into a lump of ambiguous processed meat - join the club, sir.
What am I thinking? Or more, what were you thinking? I’m not nearly qualified enough to give any stretch of Neanderthals a lecture on manliness. Jobs like this should be left to the men who already know what’s what, not a boy who has written for six weeks of his incompetence at doing anything that might lead someone to suspect he had a penis.
The dadMAN, the ladiesMAN, the ladMAN, the classyMAN and the businessMAN – these are the men that should be doing this job. If all five of these fellows turned up to a dinner party – wine in hand, of course – it’s arguable they would respect each other’s masculinity before entering a polite bicker over individual interpretations of the word. Under the pretence of a stereotype based ‘Come Dine With Me’, two things are for certain. The first is that you would be able to smell the testosterone over ladiesMAN’s aftershave, and the second is that ladMAN would score classyMAN undeserving low, purely because he refused to give him Ketchup for his salmon.
At the start of this series I thought I was going to have to decide which one of the men I have mentioned was the ultimateMAN. As it turns out, if I were to do that I’d be doing you all a great disservice. The ultimateMAN isn’t the best of the best, no. He’s made up of the best parts of the best.
LadMAN isn’t perfect; he probably drinks too much. Neither is businessMAN; he probably works too much. But imagine a MAN who worked just the right amount, and then drank just the right amount when he wanted to. The ultimateMAN is a balance of all five of the men I have written about in this series – and he’s so bloody perfect I don’t even know how to describe him without babbling on about some sort of personality based E-FIT.
Though my writing stops here, my quest will go on. I’m 99% sure I wont make it to ultimateMAN, but I might at least become something that resembles a MAN rather than a genital lacking ken-doll. According to my calculations, if I can find a balance of twenty percent dadMAN, twenty percent ladiesMAN, twenty percent ladMAN, twenty percent classyMAN and twenty percent businessMAN, I should be in good shape. Thinking about it, I might also need pie charts and an abacus. MANthmatics? So sorry.
So over the past 6 weeks we have been featuring products which are the epitome of each individual MAN we have featured. Now we know that the ultimateMAN is a combination of the 6, we have picked some of the best from each:
I hope you have enjoyed this tongue in cheek look into becoming a real MAN by Michael. The series has been building up to this point; where we are now ready to launch our new FashionBeans MAN monthly feature. Within the next two weeks, you are going to see the culmination of a project which has taken us a couple of months to organise and complete, but should change the game for FashionBeans and take us to the next level.
It should be pointed out that this feature is not the new forum. That unfortunately is looking like a first week of September launch. However, it will definitely be here for when the nights start getting darker and the weather keeps us penned inside our houses. Exciting times ahead for FashionBeans, and all the team here are glad you are along for the ride.
(Founder, Editor-In-Chief and MAN in training)
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