The End Is Nigh
As much as I hate to be the bearer of bad news, things aren’t looking too good for us as a species. What with the Mayans, crazy weather catastrophes, a man eating another man’s face and countries continually putting idiots in control of nuclear weapons, it’s starting to look like our time on Earth may be coming to an end.
Now, we might have managed to get past December 21st safe and sound, but what if the Mayans were just a little out with their calculations (they didn’t have calculators after all)? What if tomorrow is the day that zombie infection becomes fact rather than fiction? What if some weird sh*t happens to Dennis Quiad in the Arctic and it’s The Day After Tomorrow?
I mean, the way the UK’s been handling sub-zero temperatures in recent years (i.e. like little b*tches), all it’s going to take is a hailstone the size of my Vauxhall Corsa and I’m going into full on ‘End of the World’ mode.
Survive The End Of The World In Style
If there’s one thing that I do well – it’s prepare. And prepare in style. Regardless what end of the world scenario you dream up, you’ve got to start thinking long term. I don’t just mean food supplies, weapons and where to hole up. You’re not going to let a pesky zombie outbreak stop you being the stylish bad ass you were before, right?
Think about all the time and effort you put into building a simple, classic and versatile wardrobe with just the right amount of statement pieces and on trend items. Are you really going to let that go? Hell no! All that’s changed is that instead of saving up for months and months for that iconic Burberry Trench, you just rob the Burberry store. And who doesn’t like the sound of that? After all, mo’ money mo’ problems.
So, with civilisation heading the way of last night’s burrito and tequila shots, you’ve got the perfect opportunity to become the most stylish man on the planet. And given the chance, who can honestly say they won’t be going for that moniker?
So, enough of this chat (there’s not time for it during a crisis anyway), let’s break down exactly what you’re going to need to stock up on in my top three ‘End of the World’ scenarios.
1. Zombie Apocalypse
So some guy on the news got bit by another guy? No biggie, I’m sure. But – oh sh*t – he just bit another guy, and then another and now everyone’s dead and eating each other. Not what you need, at all.
Step 1. Get a stereotypically British weapon – I’m talking cricket bat, hockey stick, a spade or a strong cup of tea.
Step 2. Check loved ones for bites.
Step 3. Kill the bitten, save the rest.
Step 4. Rob the nearest Selfridges.
Here are the key pieces you need to survive:
- Heavyweight Denim Jeans – you’ve got to protect yourself from those annoying scratches and bites. Try and get as near to 30oz as you can and it’ll be like wearing metal trousers. When you’re not cracking serious skulls, make sure you’re doing plenty of lunges and squats to wear these bad boys in and give them some character.
- 100% Real Leather Jacket – and go all out with the shearing aviator trimming too, brother. Protect your neck at all times from the cold and the Z-boys. The great thing about leather is that it’s not only durable, so it’ll last you a lifetime, but it automatically makes you a look like a bad ass. There won’t be any of those other rogue human groups messing you around.
- Some Huge Man Boots – my go-to choice here would be some Red Wing Beckman’s. Thick leather with a solid enough sole to squash a head under. Plus, Red Wing have been firm advocates of preparing for zombies for many, many years now, so why not stick with the best?
- A Mid-sized Duffle/Holdall – get one in thick wool or leather, because you’re going to be carrying a lot of sharp point objects in this little life saver. Make sure there’s enough room for a couple of t-shirts and jumpers, and it has few pockets to hold a memories from your old life – photos of your loved ones, a snickers and the condom you found with the longest sell by date on it (you never know).
- Levis Vintage Jeans 1954 501 Tapered Straight Rough Rinse
- Polo Ralph Lauren Varick Slim Ltwt St James Denim Jeans
- Levis Vintage Clothing 1954 501z Straight-leg Washed Selvedge Denim Jeans
- Allsaints Shield Leather Biker Jacket
- Jofama Dark Chocolate Hell Driver Ii Biker Jacket
- Ami Shearling-collar Leather Bomber Jacket
- Red Wing Classic Dress Beckman Boots
- Red Wing Iron Ranger Boots
- Red Wing Shoes 875 Moc Rubber-soled Leather Boots
- Allsaints Newark Holdall
- Marc By Marc Jacobs Black Canvas Duffle Holdall Bag
- Dsquared2 Mens Josh Vitello Black Duffle
2. Super Volcano/Tsunami/Ice Age
Mother Nature has turned against you! What a b*tch. Here, the key pieces are those that are going to protect you from the elements but help you deal with the rough terrain and inevitable scary bears/lions/wolves that you’ll come across.
- Duck Boots – seriously, these are first on the list. They can handle it all; snow, bogs, sludge, animal teeth. You name it and a duck boot has seen it.
- A Peacoat – when it comes to facing harsh weather, stick to something with a history in the armed forces. They’ve been designed to handle this sort of thing, after all. This piece has got a big lapel that you can pop to protect you from the elements but still allows maximum maneuverability. This is especially important when you are searching for that mythical super-warm shelter that’s been set up by the government in somewhere outrageous like Swindon.
- Warm Accesories – I’m talking long johns people! Get used to them because they’ll be the only thing keeping your junk warm in the snow storms. And add a wool hat and scarf to the list too. Maybe get the scarf in a pattern like paisley or polka dots though, just to show you were on trend when it all kicked off.
- The Napsack (shown below) – Enough said.
- Nike Woodside Chakka Lace Up Duck Ankle Boots
- Topman Tan Duck Boots
- Grenson Spike Rubber-soled Leather Boots
- Fred Perry Grey Melange Peacoat
- River Island Peacoat
- Reiss Hummingbird Double Breasted Wool Peacoat Grey
- Gant Stripe Long Johns Black
- Ted Baker Paisway – Wool Paisley And Spot Scarf
- Navy Watchman Beanie Hat
3. Nuclear Bomb
Normally I’m an optimist when it comes to this sort of thing, but realistically it’s a matter of when you die, more than ‘if’ this time. I mean, have you read about nuclear fallout? Ban that noise! The plus side is, now you can really stunt. I mean, if I’m going out, I’m going out in style – you hear me?
- A Pair Of Big Sunglasses – firstly, they’re going to protect your eyes from all the ash, which is cool. However, if you go lagre and designer (like Rick Owens or Marc Jacobs) all these sub-human, mutants colonies that are trying to hog roast you will be like “who does this player think he is?” The ultimate mind f*ck, people.
- A Balaclava/Horse Riding Coat/Bubble Wrap Onesie – while we’re on the topic of Rick Owens, just pick up all the crazy designer pieces. This is probably the only scenario where their crazy sh*t will actually be useful or appropriate. Or at the very least, you’ll leave one fashion forward corpse.
- Black on Black on Black, All Leather – do exactly as I just said. It’s the end of the world mate, who cares? Kanye won’t know what hit him. Just make sure your leather trousers are drop crotch and everything else will fall into place.
- Dita Titan Sunglasses
- Dita Mens Hendrix Black And Crystal Yellow Sunglasses
- Rick Owens Black Raw Horn
- Allsaints Ruin Leather Shirt
- Nudie Jonny Leather Jacket
- Topman Tmd Black Leather Trousers
As you can see guys, I’m a team player. I wouldn’t be sharing these end of the World style tips with just anyone you know. But, as always, I’m interested in hearing what you guys have to say on the subject. Did I miss anything essential of the lists (no, seriously, I need to know in order to survive). Is there something I haven’t planned for? Am I even being serious?
Let me know in the comments section…
MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM ALL THE TEAM AT FASHIONBEANS.COM!