There is no level of comfort that justifies wearing punched-through neon foam. Even when no one’s looking.
Crocs are best accessorised with a monk’s habit since they guarantee you’ll be equally celibate. We’re fairly sure that this bastard offspring of a jelly shoe and wall insulation is referenced in Revelations as a harbinger of the Rapture, so we’d advise you immediately evict any examples in your wardrobe and swap for a pair of espadrilles tout de suite, lest you end up broiling in the eternal fires of damnation. Whatever your podiatrist claims.
Try Instead: Espadrilles
Mulo Suede Espadrilles, available at Mr Porter, priced £115.
Men’s Ugg Boots
Uggs are surely Australia’s retaliation for homing 160,000+ British criminals. Mankind has never needed an all-terrain slipper, yet still they infest high streets; it could be an urban legend but they say that in London, you’re never more than six feet away from an Ugg.
Fortunately, Nike’s design department invented the sneakerboot: a less offensive but still foot-friendly way to battle winter. Sacrifice your Uggs on the pyre in thanks.
Try Instead: Sneakerboots
Nike Max 90 Sneakerboot, available at Size?, priced £115.
Quick sartorial lesson: never wear anything named after a tool for eating molluscs.
These foot-crushers are a favourite of medieval jesters and estate agents, who are presumably issued them with the company car as a form of self-flagellation for their terrible life choices. If your job doesn’t involve demolishing people’s dreams, we’d advise sticking to round toes.
Try Instead: Round-Toed Shoes
IRRON2 Classic Leather Derby Shoes, available at Ted Baker, priced £130.
Undone Biker Boots
Curse the ‘bro’ and his ability to sully the otherwise wearable. It’s a sartorial law that, six months after David Beckham spearheads something, it’s passé courtesy of a coterie of men who only update their wardrobe in response to his appearances in the Daily Mail’s sidebar of shame (oversized beanie, we hardly knew ye).
While you wait for them to move on, stick to classic Chelsea boots instead.
Try Instead: Chelsea Boots
R.M. Williams Leather Chelsea Boots, available at Mr Porter, priced £295.
Vibram 5 Fingers
[Interior: Synergy Direct Branding Agency. Two men sit either side of a half-empty bag of cocaine]
Creative one: Is there a light bulb over my head?
Creative two: [Raising his head from the line in front of him] You’ve had an idea?
Creative one: OK – brace yourself. Gloves… for your feet!
Creative two: You mean shoes?
Creative one: No. Because these – wait for it – cover each toe! Individually! Like a glove!
Creative two: Wouldn’t that be incredibly impractical? And more aesthetically misguided than taking the Elephant Man to a hall of crazy mirrors?
Creative one: Probably. But people still wear Crocs.
Creative two: Pub?
[Fade to black on two spinning office chairs]
Let’s just stick to trainers, OK?
Try Instead: Minimal Performance Trainers
adidas Stan Smith Primeknit, available at END Clothing, priced £95.
If you wear cowboy boots, people will presume that you believe Donald Trump’s just saying what everyone’s thinking.
As a rule, clothing designed for grappling with an untamed frontier jars when you wear it to order a skinny flat white. If you’ve never lassoed a steer, brogue boots make a fail-safe alternative.
Try Instead: Brogue Boots
Tricker’s Stow Brogue Boot, available at END Clothing, priced £390.
Demonstrating a refusal to die that Rasputin would envy, square-ended shoes deserve to be beaten to death with an equally blunt instrument. Their longevity is baffling; not on-trend since the first Thanksgiving, they’re as flattering as accidentally inserting your foot into a threshing machine.
Burn any and all examples you possess and invest a good pair of round-toed Oxfords immediately.
Try Instead: Round-Toed Oxfords
Barker Winsford Goodyear Welt Leather Oxford Shoes, available at John Lewis, priced £180.