The arrival of weather to worry Noah means festival season must be upon us. But you shouldn’t just be stressing about how to pitch a tent on ground that’s turned to liquid. The British public’s inability to align ‘dressing well’ and ‘being outside’ means that most festivals – whether your poison is death metal or deep house – are a cavalcade of men dressed in regret. Perhaps it’s the Daily Mail’s annual flog of the ‘festival fashion’ horse (insider tip: it’s just an excuse to publish titillating celebrity snaps). Maybe it’s the combination of warm lager and what your mate Dave promised you was just paracetamol. But the second they pitch camp, most guys debut outfits that are either inappropriate for the weather or flaunt public decency laws. To avoid side-eye from fellow festivalgoers – and anyone who sees your shots on Instagram – unpack these from your rucksack immediately.
Native American Headdresses
In other words: anything that has cultural significance to a group you’re not a member of. Hopefully you’re enlightened enough to realise a turban isn’t a fashion item. And your cowboys-and-Indians 10th birthday party doesn’t make headdresses fair game. Ditto for dashikis and bindis. This season’s trending accessory is respect for other cultures. And it goes with everything.
Fancy Dress
Sure, your friends laughed when you stepped out of your tent dressed like Optimus Prime. But while they dance unencumbered, someone’s thrown a suspiciously fragrant pint on you and your costume is turning to papier mache. Even worse, the cardboard boxes took up all the room you were going to save for clothes.
Anything ‘Dapper’
Blame ironic tea parties and electroswing, but at some point a floral blazer and brogues went from try-hard dandy to legit festival look. Still, the growing pool of vomit by your tent hints that a festival isn’t the place for your gladrags.
Flip-Flops
Google image the medical term ‘trench foot’. We’ll wait. Rethinking your footwear choice? That field’s not just drenched in rainwater, after all.
Morphsuits
Unwieldy, sweaty, and the non-erotic gateway to self asphyxiation. The modern day gimp suit is not as funny as you think it is. And even less toilet friendly.
Shutter Shades
We didn’t realise this year’s Glastonbury was being held in Faliraki. In 2007. Of all Kanye’s style moves to steal, you choose plastic sunnies that block your view of the stage?
Anything You Spent More Than £30 On
Unless you’ve got the cash to take all your friends glamping (in which case, they’re not hanging out with you for your personality) don’t subject anything you saw on a runway to the Glastonbury deluge. Alexa Chung can wear MaxMara to a music festival because she’s got a dry cleaner backstage. But you traverse puddles in Burberry at your own peril.
Anything That Shows More Skin Than Covers It
If TOWIE has taught us anything, it’s that TOWIE has taught us nothing. People want directions to the bar – not the gun show.
Flags Of Any Kind
There’s a place in hell – just between traitors and people who make calls in quiet carriages – for anyone that blocks everyone else’s view with a giant flag. But that doesn’t mean you can fashion it into a cape. People know which country Somerset is in. Save it for the #BREXIT rally.
Tees With A Sense Of Humour Failure
Helpful as it is to let females know about your body inspecting qualification, by the second day the joke’s wearing thin. And creepy.
Anything Black
It might be 30 degrees and blue skies all weekend. So don’t be the guy whose costume is Johnny Cash With A Bad Case Of Heatstroke.
Anything White
But it’s probably going to rain for four days and stain everything a shade of brown Dulux won’t replicate.
