Like pubic hair at age 11, most men’s knowledge of all the sexual buttons on their bodies (and what happens when you press them) isn’t that well developed.
In fact, in 2014, the now-defunct lad’s mag FHM conducted an online poll of 5,000 men, which found that less than half have ever used a sex toy. But there is light at the end of the, ahem, tunnel. Sales of personal pleasure gadgets have risen by 1,000 per cent in the past decade.
With that in mind, we thought we’d offer a helping hand in pulling together a list that brings a whole new meaning to boys and their toys. Read on to join the gentleman’s club where there’s only one member. Yours.
Blow Job Toys
Blowjobs on demand? Now that we have your attention, it’s time to talk about one of the most common male sex toys. Masturbatory machines like the industry-leading Fleshlight and Tenga Flip Hole are head (easy, now) and shoulders above their competitors, but virtually all get the job done in the same way.
The fits-like-a-glove gizmos use a penis-hugging sleeve made of realistic skin-like material and carefully-placed nodules to mimic the sensation of a mouth, vagina or butt. Entry-level versions rely on the user’s hand movements, while higher-end electric models come packing a plethora of schlong-spinning skills.
REV1000 Rotating Rechargeable Male Masturbator, available at Lovehoney, priced £129.99.
The personal pleasure gadget has long been something feared by men, and who can blame them with the way some sex toys look? If you’re not hot on the idea of sticking your favourite appendage into something that resembles a handheld whisk, try a male masturbator which offers the same results as a Fleshlight but isn’t as willy-shrinkingly terrifying in its structure.
These stretchy stroker sleeves are more versatile than a Tony Stark suit. Used alone, the lifelike ridges supercharge your knuckle shuffle or try throwing one into the mix with oral sex and bring foreplay to an awesome apex. Pleasure doing business with you.
Tenga Egg Male Masturbator, available at Bondara, priced £8.99 each.
Believe it or not, a healthy share of guys both straight and gay are into butt stuff (for good reason). The prostate (or the ‘P-spot’) is the male version of the G-spot and stimulating it can result in top-shelf orgasmic intensity. The best way to do this is with an ergonomically shaped prostate massager that applies pressure to the right spot, but ass-play can also involve a number of different toys.
Whatever you’re putting in there, just make sure you use plenty of lube and that it’s correctly shaped (or has a flared bottom, excuse the pun) to ensure the night doesn’t end with an awkward trip to A&E.
Rocks Off Naughty Boy Prostate Massager, available at Ann Summers, priced £49.99.
Erections can be hard. Hard to get, hard to keep, and just generally, umm yeah, you get it. One of the simplest, yet most effective sex toys money can buy to help boost stiffness, size and stamina is a cock ring.
Despite sounding like a playground insult, this weeny wonder boosts your bedroom bratwurst by adding pressure to the base of your penis, thereby restricting blood flow and delaying orgasm. As well as the basic ring versions, other models up the ante with extras such as vibrating bullets, testicle bags and even P-spot stimulators.
Silicone Cock Ring, available at Bondara, priced £4.99.
Vibrators aren’t just for ladies. Vibrators for men (also known as ‘guybrators’) take on a variety of shapes but all work by pin-pointing the most sensitive parts of the penis – the glans and frenulum – to add a mind-bending new dimension to massaging your meat flute.
As well as being great when Netflix-and-chilling for one, some male vibrators can also be boat-rockingly-good fun for everyone when worn during sex. Welcome to toyland, enjoy the ride.
Hot Octopuss PULSE III Vibrating Male Masturbator, Available at Lovehoney, priced £99.99.
Sex-Enhancing Creams And Pills
OK, so this isn’t technically a “toy”. Sex-enhancing creams and pills come in all shapes, sizes and cringe-inducing names like ‘King Size Largo Penis Enlargement Cream’. But don’t let that put you off.
The combination of natural plant extracts and herbs (who said they’re just for cooking?) found in these products claim to stimulate blood flow to the penis to stop your flag flying at half-mast or to desensitise the penis to delay ejaculation. Just don’t mix them up with your Deep Heat.
Velv’Or Aid Be Harder Penis Erection Cream, available at Lovehoney, priced £12.99.