Are you ashamed of your penis? Do onlookers point and yell “What an unkempt willy!”? Or maybe you’re bullied at work because of your inability to grow a man bun?
If you feel your appearance is somehow lacking, that’s probably because you’ve yet to scour the deep dark corners of the internet. Weener cleaners, dong deodorant, clip-on douche doughnuts, they’re all out there. They shouldn’t be, but they are.
And we’ve put them all in one place for you (thank us later). Here, we pass judgement on the weird and the wonderful (but mainly just weird) wares from the final frontier of men’s grooming.
The Gentleman’s Cleaning Brush (AKA A Willy Brush)
“It’s what’s on the inside that counts,” our mums told us, and the saying has never rang truer than when talking about your member’s turtleneck. Luckily, the Scots have followed up other great national inventions like sheep-cloning and Bovril with the Willybrush.
Made from high-quality goat hair, the personal hygiene device works by sweeping away any, ahem, residue. Just don’t mix it up with your shaving brush. Or toothbrush, for that matter.
Ever spray-painted a piece of furniture and thought, ‘You know what would be great? If I could do this exact same thing to my thinning hair.’
Well, now you can – with a product like Mane’s Hair Thickening Spray and Root Concealer. Simply spray directly onto your bald patch and see the tiny mineral particles work their magic, and by work their magic we mean make your remaining hair look slightly thicker. Don’t overspray unless an afro wig effect is in fact your desired result.
Achieving a hygienic cock and balls that would be the envy of your friends was once a chore; but not anymore. The Weener Kleener Soap adds a ‘hole’ new dimension of pleasure and fun to shower time.
Even better, once you’re done scrubbing you can always use it to play a game of ring toss.
Not a Spanish Inquisition torture method, but the latest in cutting-edge beard care. This frankly terrifying piece of grooming kit actually has a totally valid purpose – it’s intended as a guide to help maintain lines when shaving or trimming.
Honestly though, we’re not sure we care about our facial hair enough to wear what looks like a head brace.
Why do girls get all the fun, eh? Don’t cosmetics brands get that we’re every bit as interested in taking a volumising wand to our lashes to make them “thicker, defined and more present”? (“Present”? WTF)
Even if you have the nether regions of a ‘nice Jewish boy’, foul-smelling bacteria can still grow in other nooks and crannies.
Banish swamp crotch and come up, quite literally, smelling of roses with the help of a dong deodorant. Apply a quick spritz before going at it and enjoy the scent of victory.
The main problem with the GoateeSaver isn’t that it’s expensive or hard to use, but that it assumes that someone would actually want to save their goatee.
We can already tell we’ll be seeing these promo photos again. Most likely in our nightmares.
Clip-On Man Bun
Secretly hate all Scandinavian men for making the man bun look sexy? Dead jealous of your mate’s top knot?
Don’t be jealous, buy this man bun-shaped hairpiece instead. (And then prepare to be #foreveralone.)
We moustache you a question, why don’t Fu Manchu have glitter in your beard yet?
We’re serious, go all arts and crafts on your face and add some some glitz to your goatee, some razzle-dazzle to your duck tail or some pizzazz to your porn tashe. It’ll be like wearing a unicorn on your chin all day, and who the hell doesn’t want to do that?
Gold Plated Nail Clippers
Forget “mo’ money mo’ problems,” the more cash you have to drop on your cuticles, the better.
Sure, you could wait until Christmas and hope you get lucky with a cracker, or you could keep your note hand nice with Czech & Speake’s gold-plated manicure set.