You promised you’d be back at a reasonable hour. But instead, you chose to stay out all night getting wasted and then dropped a doner kebab on her sleeping head at 4am. Welcome to the doghouse: we’ve all been there, and we’re bound to make a return journey soon.

But what if the reason behind the silent treatment is less obvious? Or worse, just mistaken for peace and quiet? Helpfully survey company OnePoll has quizzed over 2,000 women to come up with a definitive list of tell-tale signs that this is one bear you definitely do not want to poke.

The results include all the old classics, like giving short responses such as “I’m fine,” (when things are most definitely not fine), as well as things such as going to bed early and not putting kisses at the end of a text.

All very cold stuff, but not as cold as her changing her wallpaper to someone else, only making one cup of tea, or watching the next episode of a series without you, which is just downright cruel.

There’s a lesson to be learnt here (or at least a list to be memorised.) So if you recognise those or any of the other entries below, take our advice and get down the florist, stat.

15 Signs You’re In The Doghouse

  1. Changing her phone wallpaper from you to someone else
  2. Withholding sex
  3. Reading text messages but not replying
  4. Watching the next episode of a series without you
  5. Using the last of something in the fridge and not buying any more
  6. Staying at a friend’s house overnight
  7. Watching a film you hate
  8. Giving short responses such as “I’m fine”
  9. Leaving the house without kissing goodbye
  10. Locking the bathroom door when showering
  11. Hogging the bed
  12. Only making herself a cup of tea
  13. Going to bed early “to read”
  14. Wear an outfit she knows you hate
  15. Spending all evening on the phone