Being a modern man means many things. It means being kind, open minded, it means not looking at another person and immediately thinking ‘me want sex’ like the Neanderthals that went before us.
A modern man accepts that the world has turned, he embraces the rapid diminishing of the gender divide, he even peruses the expensive shower gel aisle in his local chemists without scoffing at the price. The modern man looks good, smells good and is, overall, good.
He also does none of these 31 cardinal sins.
Refuse A New Experience
Gone are the meat-and-potatoes ‘I know what I like and like what I know’ days of yore. We now live in a world brimming with possibilities, from driving really fast cars to running a marathon (probably quite a lot slower). Keep your mind open at all times. Well, OK, within reason.
Have A Sense Of Entitlement
Here’s the thing guys – this long road we call life, it’s an unpredictable beast, and no one really, honestly knows what they’re doing (just look at the whole of 2016 for proof). So if you want something, chances are it won’t just come to you.
Resent Other People’s Success
The gigantic downside of social media is that it surreptitiously snares you into judging your life in comparison to others. But remember – it’s not real, it’s just people curating the life story they want you to see. So, you know, chill out.
Ever noticed that whenever you start talking about how misunderstood you are, everyone around you widens their eyes and slowly backs out of the room?
The black dog is real, affecting around one in every six men, and should be taken seriously. However, if you’re just feeling a wittle bwit sad because your boss doesn’t tell you how amazing you are every second of every day or give you that raise? Oh stop whining man! Just get out there and get on with it.
Refer To Women As ‘The Girlfriend’ Or ‘The Wife’ Or ‘The Missus’
Or whatever the male equivalent is. Objectifying is bad, dehumanising is even worse.
Go In For A Kiss During An Argument
You’ve seen old movies – one’s furious, the other lunges in, they kiss passionately, someone lets out a sexy little sigh that signifies the end of the battle. Now try that in real life. Doesn’t work, does it?
Call An Ex In Partial Tears
We live, we learn, and we pass those lessons down the line for future generations to devour. So here’s one: calling an ex at 2am, crying hysterically, might end up being counterproductive. Move on.
Buy Porno Tapes Or Mags
It’s a rare gent who can resist noodling in the cupboard. But with thrills abound online, there’s genuinely no reason to fork out on grots mags or furtively dive into grimy little shops to buy a movie. What are you, some kind of pervert?
Send A Dick Pic
There’s a reason why there isn’t a scene in La La Land where Ryan Gosling’s dapper hero mulls it over for a bit then decides to send Emma Stone a close-up of his junk. No matter how impressive it is, it’s just not very romantic.
Be A Quitter
With the exceptions of smoking, excessive drinking, drug use, over-using the word ‘super’, calling it ‘bants’, wearing dress shoes with jeans, saying ‘at the end of the day’ or ‘in fairness’, cooking fish in the work kitchen, or sending vaguely sleazy emails to your colleagues, you should never quit anything. Not ever.
Feel Afraid To Speak Out
If we’ve learned anything from the last 12 months, it’s that apathy doesn’t really get you anywhere. Formulate an opinion, make your voice heard. Don’t be one of those long-winded political guys on Facebook though. They’re awful.
Feel Ashamed Of Dining Alone
Being by yourself used to be a sign of weakness, of friendlessness, of being a dork of some sort. Now it’s a sign of strength and defiance. You’re saying “yes world, I can be alone, that’s fine. I’m actually totally cool with it.” You go girl.
Watch TV Instead Of Reading Books
Binging on TV is all well and good, but if you find yourself ‘revisiting’ The Wire for the fourth time, or blankly gazing at your umpteenth Nordic drama, it might be time to go old-school and dust off some actual books. Try learning something people actually want to hear about at work on Monday.
Wear A Majority Polyester Top
You don’t have to buy the best of the best, but if your shirt is giving you a rash and everyone else in a one-mile radius a static shock, it might be worth investigating cotton options.
Try To Pull Off Distressed Denim Beyond The Age Of 40
After a certain point, the only reason your jeans will be distressed is because you’re wearing them. Seriously though, there is a cut off.
Wear Driving Gloves
Unless your car costs more than a house, and you’ve got an iPod full of Phil Collins, chances are that you won’t be needing a pair of driving gloves any time soon.
Take A Topless Selfie
You’ve got a dynamite bod, your abs are shredded, you’ve got veins popping out of your arms – good for you. But don’t take that as your cue to topless selfie yourself every 10 seconds for the rest of time. No, stick to wearing slightly-too-small T-shirts to the pub instead.
Allow A Dance Circle To Form Around You
With the exception of Swayze in Dirty Dancing and Travolta in Saturday Night Fever (where they actually look good), no man has ever successfully entertained an impromptu dance floor clapping circle without leaving his reputation in tatters. If you sense one forming, stop immediately.
Attempt Solo Karaoke
Sometimes the chasm between what your mind envisages and what the world sees can be much bigger than you think. So know this: the small audience seemingly transfixed by your earnest rendition of ‘She’s Like The Wind’ is this close to collapsing with laughter.
Men have worked tirelessly for centuries to get to the point where we’re not a complete laughing stock, so please don’t undermine all of that good work by ordering a Bacardi Breezer.
Attempt To Talk Yourself Sober In A Pub Toilet
Now look, we all say weird things when we’re drunk sometimes, it’s normal. Less normal is splashing yourself with water and giving yourself a slurred pep talk to counteract the conveyor belt of shots that felt like a good idea half an hour ago.
Assume That You Know Everything
The world doesn’t stop spinning and evolving, and people should be like great big sponges soaking up a constant stream of new information. There is no limit on knowledge or common sense.
Feel Overly Down On Yourself
It doesn’t matter if you’ve got a dadbod or if your teeth aren’t blindingly white. What matters, as modern men, is that you’re able to embrace your various flaws and idiosyncrasies – to tear your shirt open and yell, “this is me, world!” during the middle of a thunderstorm.
Bully Other People
It’s not big and it’s not clever. A bit like you if this is how you behave. Donald J Trump is living proof of what happens to your soul when you spend your life trampling on people. Not nice.
Be Generally Mean To People
We seem to have entered a sneery, hateful time in history – don’t contribute to it. The wise man knows to counter it by being thoughtful and kind. Hug other men, it’s fine. That’s it, keep hugging. Keep hugging. Keep hugging. Now stop, it’s getting creepy.
The only thing worse than a gossip is the person who thinks there is some kind of moralistic high ground and kudos from ‘saying it to your face’ – there isn’t, being unkind is just being unkind, whether it’s in front of someone or behind their back. Do neither.
Go In For A Fist Bump At Work
It takes either an over-confident man or a maniac to attempt a fist bump in the office. Get it wrong and you will be frozen in time clumsily doing the international symbol for paper-covers-stone with your boss for all eternity. No one needs to go through that.
Enter An Eating Competition
There was a moment when Adam Richman from Man v. Food was gaining weight at such a rate that people were genuinely worried that he was going to whisper “man won” with his dying breath. Anyway, point being, don’t enter absurd eating comps.
Grow Facial Hair For A Joke
Movember’s fine, it’s for a good cause. But any other time of year, if you’re lost in a vague fog-cloud of kitsch things and sporting a moustache ironically, you’re not doing anyone any favours. Take your face seriously.
Splash The Cash (And Complain About Being Skint)
When you’re moaning about being ‘broke’ or referring to yourself (rather insultingly) as ‘poor’ while sporting limited edition sneakers and sunglasses that cost a month’s rent, you might find that there’s a startlingly obvious reason behind your lack of funds.