Once upon a time, you’d have to meet your girlfriend’s mates for them to size you up. Now, thanks to technology, they probably know more intimate details about your, erm, measurements than you do.
Gal pals get deep into sex and relationship chat. Several studies have shown that women find discussing the good (and, yes, the bad) of your performance both in and out the bedroom way easier with their friends than with you. Oh, and they definitely do it more than you do with your mates.
To get the low-down on what’s getting dissected by the jury, we spoke to three women from the tell-all relationship and sex podcast The Receipts.
Most men assume they have the monopoly on dick chat. Not so. While appearance (and size) isn’t everything, you can bet that your appendage set the group ablaze, at least when you were first on the scene.
The details are important. “If it’s the first time I have slept with a guy, I would tell my friends exactly how it went down,” says The Receipts’ Tolani Shoneye. “Everything from what felt good, what size it was and if the colour of his boxers complemented his skin.”
Unsurprisingly, taste and smell rank highly in the discussion topics; so providing you’re squeaky clean, you can get away without being hung like an ageing chorizo. This is usually followed by chat about ‘defects’ – we’re not talking warts and all here (please, no warts), but anything from a slight curve to an unusual mark or excessive hair is fair game for cross-examination.
Can You Kick It?
The logical step post-peen chat is what you’re actually up to between the sheets. If it’s a long-term relationship, you’d probably have to do something pretty wild to get called out here. However, with someone new, every detail is up for grabs – when there are ratings to be given, even a girl who can’t usually remember her car keys will suddenly develop a Rain Man-level memory.
“I literally can’t contain myself after sex. I’m telling my best friend straight away, voice-noting in the group chat or, if I’m with them, I’m basically doing charades to demonstrate what went down,” says Shoneye’s co-host Milena Sanchez.
This isn’t a bad thing, mind. Sexual compatibility in the early stages is a good indicator of how things are going to progress. If she’s talking about it, chances are she wants to keep the good stuff coming.
Share The Love
There’s a widely held theory among women that lesbians have the best sex of all. Why? Because according to studies, 75 per cent of same-sex female couples will reach orgasm during sex, whereas only 61 per cent of women will hit the jackpot with a man.
Heterosexual men have a tendency to focus on straight-up sex, and for women, this is often an unreliable route to the big finish. Satisfying her fully (yes, with both your hands and mouth) will get you a 10/10 from the panel, and not just because she’ll have that post-O glow for the next 24 hours.
Showing her the proper level of attention proves that you’re interested in her desires and mature enough to not use her as a levelled-up version of your favourite flannel, which bodes well for an actual relationship.
There’s always that one guy who did that one thing that blew her mind. It might be you. Or, it might be Paolo, the scuba diving teacher she met on her gap year in Koh Phangan (you’re not alone if this is the case – 56 per cent of women said their best sex ever came with a previous sexual partner rather than their current lover).
But either way, once you’ve done the dirty and the ratings are in, your score will be assessed harsher than a Strictly Come Dancing final and, like it or not, you’ll be given a final ranking score. And if you weren’t number one? Forget about it and concentrate on the other factors.
It’ll take more than hard work to climb the ladder and come on top post-first round sex, as rankings are pretty much set in stone, plus Paolo probably wasn’t as good as she remembered anyway. Think of all the sand chafe.
Do You Feel Me?
‘You make me feel like a natural woman’ might be a line from your mum’s favourite karaoke track, but hidden beneath the dulcet depths of that Aretha Franklin melody is the key to your approval. If there’s one thing she’ll take away from your love-fest, it’ll be how you made her feel when the clothes were off.
A study by Glamour magazine found that 97 per cent of women have an ‘I hate my body’ moment every single day, so making a concerted effort to ensure she feels desirable and good about herself in the bedroom will pay dividends outside, too.
In fact, it can save you from a Whatsapp massacre, even if she’s not usually an over-sharer. “I tend to keep what does – or doesn’t – go down in the bedroom to myself, unless he’s upset me,” says Phoebe Parke, also from The Receipts.
Long story short: the more confident she feels, the more likely she’ll be to want to get down and dirty, and the better the results will be when the scores are in.