If you don't do at least one of these things, you're probably lying. If you're truly innocent of the following, you certainly know one of your guy friends who's been there, done that. Come on guys—we can do better.
1. Humblebragging about workouts
Guys usually don't straight-up brag. Instead, they'll say something like, "Man, I'm spent after running that triathalon," or "Whew! I'd help you with those groceries, but I finally benched 17 pounds."
We get it. You exercise, and you want to tell someone. Just go ahead and tell us.
2. Taking pictures with the "beard look"
You know the look we're talking about, right? It's when you take a selfie with one eyebrow raised. For some reason, while not all guys with beards do this, only guys with beards do this.
This has become an epidemic. It's a guy's way of saying, "I clearly want you to validate how I feel about my appearance, but by lifting my eyebrow slightly, I'm showing that I'm above the whole selfie craze. I'm not really serious about this, and I'm a fun-loving, outdoorsy type. Felicia, please take me back. I can change, I swear."
3. Posting on social media about extremely minor home repairs
By all means, if you replaced your hardwood floors, installed an entire HVAC system, or rigged up your home's lighting system to drop a candelabra onto intruders' heads, brag and post a picture. You're even allowed to add hashtag. We won't judge, because we can't do that stuff.
But if you start posting pictures with captions like, "Just fixed this creaky doorknob. #handsomenothandy," or "Bent the toilet bulb back so that it no longer sounds like a dying cat. #lifegoals," we don't really need the update.
4. Wearing muscle shirts in public
They're not called "muscle shirts" because they give you muscles. Mostly, they just expose your body odor to random passersby.
Nobody needs your pit stench while you're waiting in line at the DMV; even at the gym, muscle shirts are a little over-the-top, and they're never as impressive as you apparently think.
5. Refusing to let anyone else touch your grill
We're talking about a cooking surface, by the way, not diamond-encrusted teeth.
If you've got a Paul Wall-style grill, go ahead and be stingy; don't let anyone touch it (also, smile for me, daddy).
No, we're talking about the dudes who refuse to let anyone else grab a spatula at the family cookout. "Not so fast," he'll say, laughing (but also strangely serious). "My house, my grill."
Dude, it's a pit of burning coal. The worst thing someone can do is make it slightly warmer or slightly cooler. You didn't figure out some genius way to cook the burgers, you just watched the same six YouTube videos the rest of us watched. Loosen up and let someone else man the tongs for a while (lazy pun intended).
6. Flashing cash
Oh, you've got a roll of 20s? That makes you a...hundredaire?
It's 2017, and everyone else keeps their money in banks. You could be doing the same, but instead, you opted to buy the $100 money clip that lets you flash your big stack of $1 bills every time you pick up a pack of Dentyne at the 7-Eleven.
Setting aside the misogyny of catcalling, let's just look at it practically. Has it ever worked?
Picture a woman walking near a construction site. "Hey, smile for us, pretty lady," one of the construction workers yells in between wolf whistles.
She turns to him, her eyes glimmering with tears. "Why, thank you," she says, hurling her phone number at him. "Nobody with a Heavy Equipment Certification has ever given me a mild compliment before!"
Yeah, doesn't happen. Find a courtship ritual that doesn't require straight up disrespecting women by yelling at them (or start dating sloths, which use wild screaming to attract mates).
8. Bragging about completing minor parental duties
Guys love to take credit for changing diapers, packing lunches, reading bedtime stories, or just existing in the same house as their kids.
We're not saying that you shouldn't be proud of a job well done, but resist the urge to brag about it. While you were demanding recognition on the internet, your wife just single-handedly prevented a major potty-training disaster.
9. Wearing athletic shoes to work
Some guys are stylish, some aren't. We totally get that. However, there's no excuse for showing up at work looking like you're ready to run the Boston Marathon on a moment's notice.
Get yourself a nice pair of dress shoes. Don't worry—if you suddenly have to sprint out of the office to catch a passing thief, they'll work just fine.
10. Asking women if they're "upset"
"Upset" is one of those codewords that doesn't sound too bad until you consider whether you'd ever say it to another member of the same sex.
"Dude, you just snapped at me. Are you upset?"
If that feels a little strange, that's because it is. "Upset" is code for "Can I diminish your feelings by attributing them to a wild estrogen flair-up? Because I really want to get back to my Playstation without feeling bad about the things I've said and done."
11. Wearing fedoras
Well, okay, if you're Harrison Ford, you can wear a fedora. Otherwise, that $10 hat you picked up isn't going to have the suave, mysterious effect you'd expected.
Most guys who wear fedoras have two issues. First, the hats are never fitted, so they make the guy look like a kid playing dress-up. Secondly, they wear the fedora with jeans and a Diablo III t-shirt.
If you're going to wear a hat and it doesn't have a baseball team's name on it, get it fitted, then pick up some slacks and a nice suit jacket. If the hat store tries to show you a fedora, it's not a hat store; it's a Target.
12. Performing ironic acoustic covers of rap songs
Really, women should stop doing this too, but we've seen more guys committing this atrocity.
Most ironic covers end up with the guy crooning a Snoop Dogg song over the same three chords. It was cute the first time someone tried it back in 1988. At this point, it's not dangerous, funny, or creative in any way; it's just a way to bore your friends at a party so badly that they finally tell you to hand the guitar to the long-haired dude who knows some Oasis.
Do you understand what we're saying? They'd literally rather hear "Wonderwall."
13. Drinking protein powder
Protein powder is great for making your digestive system work strangely. If that's your goal, go ahead and mix up another terrible "shake."
If you really need a boost of protein, try some nuts or some meat or mushroom or any other actual food. If you insist on the protein powder, have at it, we guess, but don't talk about how much you drank (as if chugging chocolate-flavored milk is an achievement). And please, for the love of all that is holy, rinse out the glass when you're finished.
14. Post photos with cryptic, pseudo-inspirational hashtags
Some guys will post a photo of themselves biking or driving or just sitting on a bench looking menacing, along with a quote from Gandhi and a hashtag like #NeverStopTheStruggle or #StrifeForLife. We just made those up, but we guarantee you they're already trending among twenty-something dudes who just discovered gym memberships for the first time in their lives.
Let's get it straight: The only acceptable use for hashtags is making fun of the concept of hashtags.
Want to kill a conversation? Tell a story that's slightly more impressive than the story you just heard. For extra points, preface your story with something like, "That's nothing."
Leave your ego at the door and just have a conversation. Don't try to insist on yourself every time there's a half-second of silence.
16. One-upping, then walking it back.
This is even worse somehow. It's when a dude one-ups, then realizes what he's done and tries to make his story less impressive.
Here's an example.
"Hey, I went fishing and caught a two-pound bass."
"That's nothing! I once caught a 20-pound catfish. Well, it was really closer to 15 pounds. And it was in a stocked pond. And I wasn't fishing with a reel, I used a net. And instead of a fish, it was a cheeseburger, and instead of a pond, it was a truckstop."
If you have nothing to say, say nothing at all. Nobody will mind.