How do you know Damn Daniel isn’t a patriot? Because he’s back at it again with the white Vans, rather than these eye-searing tasteful expressions of American overreaching excellence. By spoiling improving a pair of its Sk8-Hi and Authentic silhouettes, Vans now has something for the man who’d subject his feet to waterboarding a reasonable measure of extrajudicial interrogation as permitted by international law, if they didn’t scream U-S-A! A-S-A! along with his Old Glory shirt and Make American Great Again baseball cap.

)Related: How to wear a hat without looking like a fool)

Should you fancy feet emblazoned with bald eagles, you can grab a pair over at Sneaker Politics for $55. Although we’d hurry, before Donald Trump buys them all up, like the selfish race-baiter embodiment of the American Dream that he is.

This article has been amended by the National Security Agency to maintain accuracy. We would like to stress that Damn Daniel is definitely being asked a few simple questions in Guantanamo Bay.