Everyone bar the proverbial hare knows slow and steady wins the race. Slow reading brings the most pleasure. Slaving over your art yields the masterpiece. Slow cooking your food makes for the best dishes.
And yet, every now and then, a Pot Noodle is just what you need.
So let’s investigate the instant. Future-proofing with anti-ageing creams and SPFs is all well and good. But what’s your move when another Tinder target swipes right, but you’ve been burning the midnight oil? What do you do while you wait for those Harvard scientists to get that skin tightening second skin revealed this week to market? You need a quick turnaround, dear reader.
To that end, here’s how to look handsome, stat.
Free: Love At First Sight
If eyes tell a story, perhaps yours are crying out a tale of late nights and printer fumes. In which case, listen up: study after study has found that the eyes are the first place a potential partner looks and the state of your peepers speaks volumes on the dance floor. Long before you can bust out your otherwise irresistible two-step.
Just add water: Cold, cold water, in a bowl. Then add ice. Into this frosty hellscape, drop a flannel. This makes a cold compress, which you need to remove, wring out, fold horizontally and then lie across your eyes.
It’ll remove fluid build up and improve blood flow for whiter eyes, in a flash.
Budget: Set Your Jaw
As all Drake fans know, a jawline beard adds razor sharpness to your countenance as surely as blood on a knife’s edge. It’s also unacceptable, unless you’re a new wave Canadian rapper. Or Craig David.
There is, however, a bit of beard wizardry you can try that will give the instant illusion of a stronger, more handsome jaw to onlookers. And beard envy to Champagne Papi himself.
Just add water: Towel dry your beard and begin the shearing. Darren Fowler, creative director of Fowler 65 and one-time hairdresser for Beckham, explains the aim is to take the sideburns tight, and even the hairline a little tighter near the ears.
This should gradually thicken as you lower down with length kept around the jawline. Shorten the top of the cheeks to accentuate the cheekbones, too.
Gillette Fusion ProGlide Styler 3-in-1, available at Amazon, priced £15.
Upmarket: Orange Is The New Pale
Joey Essex and his merry band of insufferables are, like it or not, on to something. A recent study undertaken in the UK found that potential mates respond most favourably to orange and yellow hues in your skin. Meaning a slight tan is the simplest quickstep to handsome, short of printing off a Tom Hardy mask.
There’s a reason you look your best after a week in the Costas.
Just add water: Wash and dry your skin and then add a small dollop of Sisley’s Self Tanning Hydrating Facial Skincare. It’s more costly than your average gradual tan, but that’s because the result looks natural enough to avoid any awkward conversations at the pub. And you’re not left smelling of biscuits.
Sisley Self Tanning Hydrating Facial Skincare, available at John Lewis, priced £75.15.
Pricey: Better Living Through Chemistry
To be frank, you can leave most of the overpriced facials and four-hour pampering endurance sessions to those with money to burn. But there is one treatment worth reclaiming from the Sloane Rangers.
As much as it sounds and looks like something of a horror show, a chemical face peel is like a month’s worth of good exfoliation and moisturising rolled into one hour. And the results are instantaneous.
Just add water: You’ll want your face to be clean before hand, so wash. Next, get yourself down to your local Harley Street Skin Clinic.
The peel removes the top layer of damaged skin, revealing, well, the same face as you had before. But one that’s lighter and brighter.
Bankrupting: Frickin’ Laser Beams
For the high-spending masochists among you, put your money where your mouth is and invest in having your face zapped to hell and back. A lean jawline is of course one of the hallmarks of a handsome face. This treatment is specifically for those who exercise but can’t get rid of that stubborn double chin.
Precision TX should be your last option, for reasons involving pain both physical and financial (prices start around £3,000).
Just add water: Remortgage your house then book yourself in at London’s premier non-invasive cosmetic procedure clinic, Phi. A laser fibre is placed just below the dermis to zap fat and stimulate collagen, to leave you with a Brad Pitt jawline almost overnight.
Let’s just hope you have his income, too.