What is it with young men and money? Hand a 19-year-old £50k a week and suddenly taste evaporates in the beams of a Range Rover Overfinch. It’s almost as though coddled young men, given the keys to world, won’t behave with the decorum of a Victorian minister.
But an off-pitch propensity for magenta suits is tough to express at work when the kit man defines what you wear. Which perhaps explains why footballers keen to inject some individuality into their looks tend to go overboard in the one place they have leeway: their hair. And Euro 2016 has offered a plethora of looks for the stylish man to swerve.
Marek Hamsik (Slovakia)
Despite bowing out to Germany, the Slovakian skipper’s performances have encouraged Chelsea to come sniffing. West London stylists, beware.
“It looks like his barber was mid-head shave when he realised he left the oven on,” says Adam Brady, utility style midfielder at Marylebone barber Ruffians.
“And yet Hamsik decided to nurture that little bud of hair. Perhaps he thinks it gives him some stature.”
“He needs to ask his barber to finish the job,” says Brady. Clippers will take care of the faux hawk, genetics the rest.
“Just keep the top a grade or two longer than the back and sides to make the most of his bone structure.”
Dimitri Torbinski (Russia)
The midfielder’s look is more abject than his team’s group stage exit.
“It’s Chuckle Brothers meets Nicola Sturgeon,” says Brady. A Venn diagram no man should inhabit. “Perhaps his mum still does it for him, bowl and all.”
Work with what you’ve got. “His face shape is proportional – he should be pushing the fringe back from, or across, his forehead into a textured, natural look. Not only will he find it easier to head the ball, he’ll also look less like a Lego man.” Win win.
Marouane Fellaini (Belgium)
Fellaini’s afro was already divisive, before the dose of Sun-In. “It’s just not appropriate for his long, thin face,” says Brady. “He looks like Sideshow Bob.”
Well, he does have a clown’s first touch.
Like Belgium’s campaign, this might be a lost cause. “Take too much off the sides and his face will appear too long. Take too much overall and he’s a Disney villain,” says Brady.
Less volume will at least give the appearance of control. Until he starts flailing his elbows, of course.
Aron Gunnarsson (Iceland)
Was it the beard that ejected England so unceremoniously? (No, it was decades of structural issues and a sense of national arrogance that’s light years beyond our actual talent.)
But now France have dumped Iceland out, he can trim it without bemoaning lost luck. “It’s just too round, especially with that big space beneath his bottom lip.”
“Take it down to a reasonable length,” says Brady. “Something closer to his face will disguise that odd, hairless bit under his mouth.”
Or just shave the whole thing off.
Stephan el Shaarawy (Italy)
Ahead of the tournament, the Italian coach told his striker he needed to run more. Seems Stephan el Shaarawy took that advice to heart.
“There’s too much height and angle,” says Brady. Maybe he was after some of Sonic’s defence-splitting pace.
“He needs to have the length and width taken out of the crown,” says Brady. “This shouldn’t ever be longer at the back than the front.”
Like his team, he also needs to get wide. “Try a few different directions, not just straight back. Mess it up either side for a tousled, natural look.”
And The Ones That We Couldn’t Fix
Ansi Agolli (Albania)
Agolli’s battle against genetics is as futile as his team’s defence.
Gareth Bale (Wales)
The Welsh Galactico’s hair is part Chris Waddle mullet, part cockatiel. The cut of choice for footballers with a bald spot to hide.
Roman Zozulya (Ukraine)
An on-head example of how oxbow lakes form.
Radja Nainggolan (Belgium)
Like a circular saw has been thrust through his skull. It can only be an attempt to distract from from having Cheryl Cole’s buttocks tattooed on his neck.
Aaron Ramsey (Wales)
The answer to the question, “How can I stop people only watching Gareth all game?”