There are so few certainties in life; you only need to look out of the window or browse the internet to find that out. Seasons no longer behave how they’re supposed to, people make mad political decisions, the world has gone wonky and upside down.
Yet, as sure as night follows day, one certainty is that, over the course of your life, you will definitely meet some (or all) of these male stereotypes, and they will make up the majority of your friendship circle.
In some cases, they might even be the same person at various different times. And, of course, one of them will be you. But which one?
The Best Friend
Don’t confuse words like ‘loyal’, ‘dependable’ and ‘sturdy’ with ‘vanilla’ or ‘boring’, because this guy is definitely not boring. Sensible – yes. Essentially your conscience in human form – also yes. Far too knowledgeable when it comes to your shortcomings – again, yes.
However, when the tide has turned against you, and life feels like it’s repeatedly body slamming your balls, he’s your rock to cling to. He will mop up your tears. And your sick. And, possibly, at a push, anything worse.
The Meat Head
Every man, at some point, will stand naked in front of a mirror assessing exactly what appears to be happening to his body. The softening around the middle, the increasing threat of moobs. Some shrug it off and accept that they will need to work on their personality to distract everyone from their tits, while others embark on an endless Rocky montage of exercise that culminates in them shooting imaginary fitness magazine covers for Instagram.
The Style Icon
Like being able to roll your tongue into a tube, knowing how to look good is something you’re either genetically predisposed to, or you’re not. Hence why some blokes have an effortless style and always look great, while others put in maximum effort but look like they took a drunken challenge to get dressed at a jumble sale. In the dark.
He spent his younger years running around the playground shouting “bundle!”, and the bad news is that he’s only gotten worse with age. He considers “banter” to be an attribute almost worthy of putting on a CV, and he can’t be in a pub for more than 10 minutes without punching you in the dick and shouting “shots!” He is, and we say this completely genuinely and without irony, an absolute nightmare.
You will meet a handful of guys who seem incapable of not having sex with people. While you serve at the knee of a cruel, malevolent god, they have been unfairly blessed with just the right ratio of looks and confidence (bordering on nonchalance) to essentially have their pick of the harvest. They might, and this is the bit that really stings, even bed a girl you’ve been unrequitedly falling in love with for years, and then actually forget that it happened.
The Smart One
Every gang needs a brain to go with the brawn, and that’s where this guy comes in. Despite operating in precisely the same time zone as you, he seems to somehow locate extra hours in the day when he can munch through books, or learn other languages. Is he a cyborg? Does he not sleep? You don’t even know what month it is, and he’s winning pub quizzes on his own. Actually, thinking about it, he might be a cyborg.
The cut of his trousers changes with the wind, and whatever adornments he has on his body may as well be chains enslaving him to the whims of fashion. Happy to join whatever remote queue is dictating what we put in our mouths or on our feet, and forever relocating to be as near as possible to the perceived hub of all invention, a hunch says that when no one’s looking he lets out a little bewildered cry. It’s an impossible, hollow lifestyle to maintain.
The Good Guy
He did amazingly at school, he got into a great university, his girlfriends are always beautiful and kind, everyone’s mum is totally charmed by him, he doesn’t eat meat for ethical reasons, he runs marathons and smashes his Just Giving goal within the first hour. He is, in short, the person you secretly hate most in the entire world, and you wish him a lifetime of anguish. As it is, he will live very contentedly until he’s 130, and then he’ll die in his sleep having a really lovely dream.
The Stressed One
There’s always one friend in any group of guys who is so tightly wound that if someone sneezed at the wrong moment, he’d either burst into tears or go on a killing spree. If you can’t think who that person is in your group, and you hate the not knowing, and it’s starting to gnaw you up inside, because you need to know, you just. Need. To. Know. You might want to connect the dots.
The Loved-Up One
AKA the one you barely ever see, because he’s in a field of buttercups somewhere reading beautiful poetry to his other half. Or he’s in the shower with them unnecessarily licking every part of their body (despite, you know, being in a shower), or he’s watching them sleep, or he’s trapped in an endless round of “no you hang up” that’s been going on for nearly five years. But don’t worry, they’ll break up eventually, and he’ll return to the fold for a couple of weeks, before falling massively in love again.