Love Island, for whatever reason, has gripped the nation. Not content with the frankly indecipherable exchanges of The Only Way Is Essex, ITV decided to waterboard us with more perma-tanned, barrel-scraped content on a nightly – nightly – basis. Only this time with more baby oil and terrifying Paris Hilton-esque nightvision romps.

As this season draws to an overdue close, and Caroline Flack makes her final goose step slo-mo boob-wobble to the fire pit, we ignore the Chris-Olivia hype for a competition much more important than the meagre £50,000 prize: who was the best (or the least terribly) dressed? Be warned, this victory is hollow.

12th Place: Craig Lawson

Since Camilla’s short-lived crush made little mention of his Samoan heritage, we can assume the tribal tattoos were a piss poor choice of Magaluf ’08 (and one that demands a T-shirt at all times).

Craig Lawson

11th Place: Marcel Somerville

Blazin’ Squad alumnus Marcel refused to meet anyone at the crossroads with this tiki-infused, part-swimwear, part-pyjama two-piece, more usually favoured by bigoted grandmas in Benidorm. Did we mention he was in Blazin’ Squad, though?

Marcel Somerville

10th Place: Sam Gowland

Since Sam boasts the intellectual capacity of a prawn cracker, we’re surprised he could even read the too-tight slogan on his front let alone wear it.

Sam Gowland

Joint 9th Place: Kem Cetinay and Chris Hughes

Gentlemen, your girlfriend talking to another chap is not ‘muggy’. Dressing in the exact same outfit as your best mate, however, is.

Kem Cetinay and Chris Hughes

8th Place: Alex Beattie

King of all the bland Alex Beattie enjoyed one sole remarkable moment – using a baseball cap to flatten his hair before straightening the fringe into an upwards flick. And what a right royal mess it is.

Alex Beattie

7th Place: Nathan Joseph

Skipped a few leg days, Nath? Spray-on denim was a mistake then, wasn’t it? (It always is.)

Nathan Joseph

6th Place: Jonny Mitchell

Despite a fake Cartier and his dad’s whip landing Jonny the ‘secret millionaire’ title, a baseball cap at breakfast makes for trailer trash manners.

Jonny Mitchell

5th Place: Harley Judge

When you’re a dead ringer for Action Man (meaning 100 per cent plastic construction), it makes little sense to don swim shorts last seen on a Ken doll.

Harley Judge

4th Place: Simon Searles

Despite making as much impact as a Pro Plus at Creamfields, Simon Searles is one of the lesser style criminals with a print shirt best anchored by black jeans. Just ignore the excessive man-cleavage, if you can.

Simon Searles

3rd Place: Mike Thalassitis

So close, yet so far – five words that couldn’t be more apt for ‘Muggy’ Mike Thalassitis. Not only did he almost clinch Monster energy drink grid girl Olivia Atwood (who even knew that was a job?), he would have scored a sound wardrobe, too, if it wasn’t for the bollock-constricting fits.

Mike Thalassitis

2nd Place: Theo Campbell

For a man who continually antagonised fellow contestants (and delighted viewers in the process), Theo Campbell’s style is, erm, actually alright? Classic tee, simple denim, good accessories. A little safe, but that’s hardly the worst crime of fashion on this show.

Theo Campbell

1st Place: Jamie Jewitt

We’re still not sure why Jamie Jewitt’s in there. Not only is he pretty normal, but the favourite-to-win is also the least terribly dressed in a slew of plain tees, chinos and white sneaks. Congratulations, Jamie. You are the least worst-dressed man on Love Island. That’s something to tell the grandkids, isn’t it?

Jamie Jewitt