Love Island, for whatever reason, has gripped the nation. Not content with the frankly indecipherable exchanges of The Only Way Is Essex, ITV decided to waterboard us with more perma-tanned, barrel-scraped content on a nightly – nightly – basis. Only this time with more baby oil and terrifying Paris Hilton-esque nightvision romps.
As this season draws to an overdue close, and Caroline Flack makes her final goose step slo-mo boob-wobble to the fire pit, we ignore the Chris-Olivia hype for a competition much more important than the meagre £50,000 prize: who was the best (or the least terribly) dressed? Be warned, this victory is hollow.
12th Place: Craig Lawson
Since Camilla’s short-lived crush made little mention of his Samoan heritage, we can assume the tribal tattoos were a piss poor choice of Magaluf ’08 (and one that demands a T-shirt at all times).
11th Place: Marcel Somerville
Blazin’ Squad alumnus Marcel refused to meet anyone at the crossroads with this tiki-infused, part-swimwear, part-pyjama two-piece, more usually favoured by bigoted grandmas in Benidorm. Did we mention he was in Blazin’ Squad, though?
10th Place: Sam Gowland
Since Sam boasts the intellectual capacity of a prawn cracker, we’re surprised he could even read the too-tight slogan on his front let alone wear it.
Joint 9th Place: Kem Cetinay and Chris Hughes
Gentlemen, your girlfriend talking to another chap is not ‘muggy’. Dressing in the exact same outfit as your best mate, however, is.
8th Place: Alex Beattie
King of all the bland Alex Beattie enjoyed one sole remarkable moment – using a baseball cap to flatten his hair before straightening the fringe into an upwards flick. And what a right royal mess it is.
7th Place: Nathan Joseph
Skipped a few leg days, Nath? Spray-on denim was a mistake then, wasn’t it? (It always is.)
6th Place: Jonny Mitchell
Despite a fake Cartier and his dad’s whip landing Jonny the ‘secret millionaire’ title, a baseball cap at breakfast makes for trailer trash manners.
5th Place: Harley Judge
When you’re a dead ringer for Action Man (meaning 100 per cent plastic construction), it makes little sense to don swim shorts last seen on a Ken doll.
4th Place: Simon Searles
Despite making as much impact as a Pro Plus at Creamfields, Simon Searles is one of the lesser style criminals with a print shirt best anchored by black jeans. Just ignore the excessive man-cleavage, if you can.
3rd Place: Mike Thalassitis
So close, yet so far – five words that couldn’t be more apt for ‘Muggy’ Mike Thalassitis. Not only did he almost clinch Monster energy drink grid girl Olivia Atwood (who even knew that was a job?), he would have scored a sound wardrobe, too, if it wasn’t for the bollock-constricting fits.
2nd Place: Theo Campbell
For a man who continually antagonised fellow contestants (and delighted viewers in the process), Theo Campbell’s style is, erm, actually alright? Classic tee, simple denim, good accessories. A little safe, but that’s hardly the worst crime of fashion on this show.
1st Place: Jamie Jewitt
We’re still not sure why Jamie Jewitt’s in there. Not only is he pretty normal, but the favourite-to-win is also the least terribly dressed in a slew of plain tees, chinos and white sneaks. Congratulations, Jamie. You are the least worst-dressed man on Love Island. That’s something to tell the grandkids, isn’t it?