For some, a bad hair day doesn’t just last a Monday, but an entire decade (or even longer, if it’s captured in a school photo).
Of course, the world of fashion is at least partly responsible for such follicular fuck-ups as the emo fringe and man braids, but ultimately we’ve no-one to blame but ourselves.
In a bid to dissuade any future crimes against barber-kind, we’ve collated some of the most shocking examples that’ll haunt humanity for generations to come. Lest we forget.
One-part Chess Club president, two-parts Nazi skinhead – 100 per cent dreadful. While the fringed buzz cut is a legitimate style today; extreme examples, like the one sported by Brazilian Ronaldo in 2002, are definitive proof that two heads aren’t always better than one.
The man bun hasn’t looked good since China’s Han dynasty (and even then…) Unless we revert to days of feudal warfare, this style is unlikely to ever make a universally welcomed return. That doesn’t mean long hair is off-limits entirely – far from it this season – but let’s leave the updos to the ladies shall we, fellas?
‘Business in the front; party in the back’ – a mantra long used in an attempt to validate the mullet. Sure, go ahead, if you want everyone to know your office is on a Texan farm circa 1983, and your soirees involve an upside-down trolley for a BBQ.
Remember Ben from nineties pop band A1? Us neither. There’s simply no excuse to let this chart-flop of a cut emerge from its wet-look grave. Don’t be seduced by the resurgence of the decade’s trends either – gallons of sticky gel will never be frontman material in 2017.
Unless your mum is an actual hairdresser, it is never, ever wise to let her near your barnet. Too many parents fancied themselves as an at-home Vidal Sassoon, and more often than not the end product was a very bad bowl cut.
Andre 3000 may have declared that ice-cold was ‘cooler than cool’, but his sentiments don’t extend to hair. Frosted tips are a surefire way to make any man’s style go from hot to not. The only thing guaranteed to be cool is the reception of your boss come Monday morning.
We get it, driving theory tests are hard, but that’s still no reason to get parts of The Highway Code shaved into your skull. Double-yellow lines make for a great parking deterrent, less so for a haircut. And don’t even get us started on Nike swooshes and tribal designs.
It’s in the name – rat tails should stay on vermin. The lone lock of hair has been attempted by everyone from Shia LaBeouf to the New Kids On The Block, and it still makes us want to call pest control every time.
Included as part of the MySpace beginners pack, full frontal sweeps should have been shut down along with the beleaguered social site. Even doctors came out and said covering one eye with a stupid fringe-y do all the time could lead to lazy eye syndrome. Let’s write you out a prescription for a trim.
Frozen fever may have infected every six-year-old girl in the land, but it has no place on a man’s head. The recent spate of blokes sporting Elsa-worthy man braids is equal parts alarming and infantile. Let it go. Now. Please.
Two words: cultural appropriation. The modern man should know that such styles are off-limits unless you hold a valid share in said culture. And no, spending two weeks at an all-inclusive resort in Saint Lucia doesn’t count. We’re looking at you, Bieber.
The ‘Flicked-Up Flat Top’
What do Simon Cowell and Pauly D have in common? No, not a troubling relationship with the opposite sex, but one of the strangest haircuts to have ever graced the planet: the flicked-up flat top. It’s basically the hair equivalent of looking at ugly shoes and screaming ‘what are those!?’