Like sports cars and skyscrapers, big-dick watches are sometimes thought to suggest a man has shortcomings elsewhere. If you’re wearing jewel-encrusted, 46mm monster on your wrist, then it might raise eyebrows for all the wrong reasons.
But this is 2018: year of the Instabrag photo op, Gucci maximalism and statement trainers. The laws of attraction are changing every day. Which begs the question: what do women really think of your watch nowadays?
Well, we’ve got an answer. Sort of. The good folks at German watch retailer Montredo surveyed women aged 20 to 39 to glean some feminine opinion on your fancy watch, and it would suggest that in fact, the rules haven’t changed all that much.
Minimalism is still the best way to clock up interest. Of all the watches the women were asked to rate, subtler pieces like the Nomos Tangente and Junghans Max Bill Automatic came out on top, respectively hitting 85 per cent and 74 per cent approval rates. Then, it was the classic sports-led watches: your Omega Seamaster and Rolex Milgauss.
Prestige lines from the latter two brands didn’t perform as well as expected, though, with the Speedmaster Professional ‘Moonwatch’ and the Rolex Submariner only just hitting 50 per cent. The Oyster Perpetual Datejust found itself underwater too, with a paltry 45 per cent. So much for iconic watches.
And, if your watch is of the peacock variety, then it’s a firm swipe left. Hublot’s Big Bang Gold and Audemars Piguet’s Royal Oak – two watches with more grandstanding than a Donald Trump rally – found themselves near the bottom of the pile. Bigger, it seems, isn’t always better.
They weren’t the worst, though. The classic square watch – frequently peddled as a ‘trend’ with each passing Baselworld – will box off romantic interest. The Jaeger-LeCoultre Reverso and TAG Heuer Monaco were through the floor, barely scraping 24 per cent.
The lesson here? Keep it simple. Just because you can spend a fortune on diamonds and gold doesn’t necessarily mean that you should. Nomos and Junghans may lack the pull of traditional luxury watch manufacturers, but that’s a good thing: you’ve got clean, restrained design that’s sure to age better than a diamond-encrusted showpiece, and better yet, these brands often punch above their price band in terms of horological quality, too.
So, the next time you’re hoping a date leads somewhere, make sure your wrist action doesn’t let you down.