You’ve been there: watching uncomfortably as everyone surrounds the bride as her new husband cheesily climbs up her leg with his sloppy friends cheering him on like some fraternity dare. You were most likely luckily seated next to his Great-Aunt Helen during this medieval rite of passage. Lucky you. She gasps and exclaims, “Ugh, why do we still do this?!”
That’s a great question! Why are so many outdated, tacky wedding trends and traditions still being observed? Is it because we’re forced to? Or are we just not creative enough to come up with something else?
Weddings are supposed to elicit warm feelings of love and family but oftentimes guests are left feeling painfully ill-at-ease. We say let those dreadful customs go!
Here are our top 16 wedding trends that need to be retired ASAP, so that we can get on with even happier ever afters. See if you agree!
1. The Cash Bar
You’re dressed up for the reception, you throw 300 bucks into an envelope, and you’re ready to go. You get to the bar and the bartender says, “That’ll be $8.00.” WHAT?!
If you can’t afford to host a party for the favorite peeps in your world who you want to share your most important day with, then go smaller or elope. Nothing says tacky like inviting guests to a party and then making them pay.
2. The Sweetheart Table
We’re not sure who is more uncomfortable with the head table: the couple whose 200 guests are watching their every move or those said guests painfully trying not to stare at the groom picking the arugula out of his teeth.
The newlyweds should have the opportunity to mingle and celebrate together with their guests, instead of being like china dolls on a shelf. It’s so much more fun for everyone!
3. Cake in the Face
We’re not entirely sure who started the whole, “you’re my wife/husband now so I can humiliate you in front of hundreds of people” but it’s really awkward seeing food getting smeared across the newly married couple’s faces and watching it get out of hand.
4. Gimmicky Wedding Themes
Are you and your significant other huge fans of Harry Potter? Lord of the Rings? Star Wars? Whatever you love, check out the video below to see why it’s a good idea to leave your capes and costumes at home.
5. Asking for Cash
Speaking of cash… Didn’t your mama ever tell you that it’s not nice to ask someone for a gift?
We think this is taken an obnoxious step further when they tell you that they don’t trust your gift-choosing skills and instruct you to give them cash instead.
6. Bum-Baring Bridesmaids Photos
Some of our friends have great derrieres. Some of them…not so much. It really doesn’t matter much to us though because we love them for who they are and so should everyone at your wedding.
We suggest they cover their bums and flash their gorgeous smiles instead!
7. Croc Bedazzling
We love Crocs! They’re comfy and clean and work great if you need to get your feet wet. But as useful as they are, they have no business being on the feet at a special event like a wedding.
Save them for the honeymoon at the beach!
8. The Dollar Dance
This is a tradition where everyone pays the bride one dollar to be able to dance with her. Seriously. Aside from the cheesiness of taking cash during a wedding, how humiliating is it for a woman to get paid to be danced with? Never mind the bride.
Take the extra cash that you would’ve given during the dances and put it into the card as the gift.
9. Inviting People to the Shower, But Not the Wedding
We’re quite sure that this would top Dear Abby’s list of don’ts for a wedding.
Traditionally, all of the women who are invited to a wedding are also invited to the shower. Weddings have gotten more expensive and as a result, smaller. But apparently, some couples still want more kitchen gadgets. Nothing screams “you’re good enough for me to pay $20 a plate and bring me a gift, but you didn’t make the $150 A-list” like this.
10. Life-size Bride Replica Wedding Cakes
This one reminds us of playing a zombie videogame. You stand in line for a piece of cake and realize that you get a slice of the bride’s nose or ear. This trend is really odd.
May we suggest a layered fondant cake instead?
11. Social Media at the Altar
The 21st century has made it so easy for everyone to know everyone’s social status. And far be it from an excited bride or groom to wait until after the event to post their newly changed marital status as they impulsively pull out that smart phone at the altar and screams it to the world (or to their 4,200 “friends”).
We say, if they aren’t present at your event, they can at least wait until your first bathroom break to hear that you’re now legally joined forever.
12. Elephant Headpieces
Head adornment was meant to add a little sparkle and something special to the bride’s ensemble but some women take it too far and use this opportunity to be Queen Victoria for a day.
Diamond encrusted tiaras and wreaths with jewels cascading down the back are all fit for a queen, but we think it’s best to keep jewelry tasteful and headwear delicate so the guests can concentrate on the bride’s natural, radiating beauty.
13. Giving Away the Bride
Back in old days, when women were effectively possessions, a father would give away his daughter in return for something of value (a goat, some cash, great tracts of land), thereby transferring ownership of the woman to her husband.
We’ve come a long way since then (thank goodness!) and are delighted that an independent, strong woman of the 2000s has her choice of who can accompany her down the aisle—as her partner, not her owner.
14. Garter Toss/Bouquet Toss
This tradition is one of the most archaic and outdated. All of the single people get called out for not being married and get to line up (for all of the “lucky” married people to watch) and fight like the offensive line at Super Bowl to snatch a flying object that promises them a lifetime of happiness with a stranger.
15. Ultra-Revealing Wedding Dresses
Brides are naturally beautiful. The beauty of a wedding day evokes thoughts of love, happiness, and commitment—and, of course, visions of beauty. We know that you probably have been working your butt off to make your body look great in your gown but honestly, there’s no need for us to see your perfectly molded curves escaping from your plunging neckline or your newly sculpted thighs below your revealing gown. Keep it tasteful.
16. The Chicken Dance
Because no one wants to see women in formal gowns pretending to be chickens.
Need we say more?