Dudes: Enough already.
Enough with the workout pics, the shirtless selfies, and images of the motorcycle you would own if you owned a motorcycle. Enough with all of it.
These are the things that an astounding number of men share on social media. We’re calling for an immediate moratorium on posts like these from men everywhere.
1. Workout Selfies
Maintaining your physical fitness should be like any other bodily function: secret and shameful and kept behind closed doors. We’re not sure when depicting yourself working out became more important than developing huge and impressive muscles, but that stance has clearly taken over.
Impress us with your biceps after they get big. Don’t invite us in the kitchen to see how the sausage is made. Have a little self-respect.
Oh, plus, dudes look really silly while they’re lifting. They make funny faces. They sweat. Why would you want anyone to see that, especially a potential future love interest?
2. Pics of Protein Shakes
We get it. Dude, you lift. You lift, bro. Bro, you are a weightlifter, and weightlifters drink bizarre concoctions that look and taste like mud.
But imagine if we soft-bodies posted pictures of the Big Gulps we down every morning? How many Big Gulp pics would it take for you to say, “Enough already!”?
That’s how we feel about your Muscle Milk, which, incidentally, is about the grossest name for a consumable product we’ve ever heard. If you’re going to drink the stuff, why not just drink the stuff? Will it not work unless you have documentation of its existence or something?
3. Shirtless Selfies
Guys who are really proud of their torsos are generally terrible at concealing their vanity. Hence shirtless pictures.
For the rest of us, though, that just means our social media feeds turn into an endless parade of hairy nipples. That is not what internet pioneers mean when they talk about “disruption,” even if we do find it pretty disruptive.
4. Fantasy Sports Screenshots
Someone invented a way to instantly transform jocks into huge nerds, and it is called fantasy sports. In fact, given that this national obsession depends on a lot of code to work, we’re guessing that it’s a vast conspiracy hatched by the computer nerds of the world to take jocks down a notch.
Anyway, no matter what you think about fantasy sports, the only people who care about your standing in the league are in the league with you. That means they know your standing. That means they can see your scores already.
Posting them to social media is superfluous at best. At worst, it’s bragging about something you should be embarrassed about. How would you like it if everyone on your social media feed started bragging about how much damage their orc fighter-mage does with her enchanted sword? That’s what we thought.
Chill it out, broseph.
5. Motorcycle Pictures From Dudes Who Don’t Own Motorcycles
Your social media feed is not a vision board, duder. Although some of your friends might be excited to see a new motorcycle that you actually have in your possession, no one, and we mean no one, cares that you dream of owning a 1960 Norton Manx one day. (Good luck with that one, by the way.)
Stick to showing your friends stuff that you actually have. Otherwise, your social media feed might end up being full of gold-plated toilets and other outlandish status symbols, and then everyone will know that you are a strange and unpleasant person.
6. Party Pics
It is fine to party. It is not fine to post those pictures on social media, where every potential employer you ever meet will be able to look at them and realize why you’re late every Monday morning.
Have a little strategy, bro-dog.
7. Pictures of Fast Food
You should be a bit embarrassed by that burger. You should not be memorializing it on the internet.
We suspect that fast food pics, common as they are among men, must be some form of masculine humblebrag. Like, the fact that you can eat a huge greasy burger without weighing 750 pounds implies that you work out a lot. Or that you’re just genetically blessed. Or something.
In fact, all those fast food pics do is make you look kind of gross. Think twice before posting if your meal involves a ketchup packet.
8. Images of Your Favorite Athletes
Look, if you care about sports at all, you know what Kobe Bryant looks like. You could pick Tom Brady out of a lineup. These celebrity sports figures don’t need your help with publicity.
Besides, there’s something disarmingly infantile about posting pictures of your favorite sports stars on social media. What, do you think some of the greatness will rub off on you?
9. “Incidental” Close-Ups of Watches and/or Bling
“Oh, I didn’t even know my Rolex was in that picture!” Yeah, right. If you’re the sort of dude who owns a Rolex, you’re aware of exactly who can see it at all times. That’s sort of the whole point.
Status symbols lose power in proportion to how proud of them you appear to be. Truly cool rich dudes just wear that stuff like it’s natural. Self-consciously highlighting it just makes you look insecure.
10. Tough-Guy Quotes
Unless you’re quoting Rowdy Roddy Piper from They Live, skip the hyper-masculine movie quotes. (The line we’re thinking of, if you’re curious, is the ever-awesome, “I’ve come here to chew bubblegum and kick a**. And I’m all out of bubblegum.” Gets us every time!)
Real tough guys aren’t even on social media. They’re too busy pumping iron and wrestling alligators or whatever it is real tough guys do (we don’t actually know any).
11. Your Own Poetry
There’s a certain creative type who really wants you to understand that he is sensitive. He simply has to make sure you know that he writes like Bukowski and fights like Hemingway (or vice-versa).
The only way that dudes like this can convey these facts, typically, is by taking snapshots of poems they wrote on typewriters, throwing a dramatic filter on the images, and posting away.
That is a very good way to get yourself laughed at in multiple households at the same time. You might be writing about your pain or whatever, but the only tears your readers will shed will come from side-splitting laughter.
Save it for the chapbooks, friend.
12. Your Broken Cell Phone Glass
Oh, awesome, you broke a valuable object? How very masculine.
Maybe you should take a sledgehammer to your laptop next. That would be a fun pic for the ladies.
13. Your Band Standing in Front of a Brick Wall
Substitute “walking along railroad tracks,” “flanked by graffiti,” or “frowning cross-armed with a stormy sky in the background” for the brick wall thing if you’d like.
It’s cool that you’re in a band or whatever, but why has the band photo as an art form failed to evolve since 1970? Don’t try to take yourself too seriously or the internet will surely laugh at you.
14. Bathroom Selfies
To be fair, this one really goes for everyone; it’s not limited to men. But putting an end to the scourge of bathroom selfies will take all of us working together, men and women alike, so it belongs on this list.
Bathroom selfies are gross. What’s attractive about standing in a bathroom? You do know what people do in there, don’t you?
When in doubt, stick to posting pithy, one-to-two-sentence observations about current events. Make them funny. If everyone followed this rule, social media would be a much more tolerable medium, whether you’re a dude or not.