This week, we announced the 50 best-dressed men in the world right now: a list of guys with impeccable, nonchalant style that you could copy until the end of your days. But for every well-dressed celebrity out there, we found just as many dud dressers, dad dressers, muscle-fit monstrosities and streetwear sick-ups. Brace yourself. This is how not to do it.
10. The Male Cast Of Love Island
Muscle-fit everything, ripped jeans and shirts that look small enough to fit an underdeveloped 13-year-old. The crimes against menswear on this summer’s hit reality TV awfulness were many and horrific. Come on, Darwin, don’t let us down.
9. Mark Wahlberg
Marky Mark is so muscly he looks fat. This presents the erstwhile model with a sartorial quandary. The fabrics of his muted-tone jean and tee rotation – brown to beige to green and back again – are stretched within an inch of their existence as Wahlberg’s guns try to escape and this leaves him looking like the Hulk with your dad’s haircut. And your dad’s favourite tee. And your dad’s old baggy Levis. He’d probably bang your mum, too.
8. Steve Bannon
Trump isn’t the only aspiring despot grabbing headlines in the States. But where the Presidential Ham usually takes column inches for mothballing healthcare and cutting taxes for the wealthy, Bannon is often in the news for his confused dress sense. Particularly when wearing shirts over shirts over shirts. Maybe peruse our guide to layering, Bannon, you absolute banker.
7. Paul Hollywood
Those big-cuffed, two-colour shirts get the ladies at the assisted-living centre master-baking all night. He’s sexual chocolate, a perfectly risen love fondant with a gooey middle and exacting pastry standards that explode your nan’s ovaries at the climax of every GBBO. The trouble with arousing the elderly, of course, is that increased heart rates can prove fatal. In that sense, Hollywood is more of a ladykiller than Edmund Kemper.
6. Ed Sheeran
Look, we don’t have anything against plaid shirts and band T-shirts, but when that’s all you wear, paired with slacker jeans, chunky trainers and a grooming regime that leaves you looking like a startled scarecrow, you have to mix things up. Ed, mate, you’re almost 27 years old.
5. Jeremy Clarkson
In a year when Balenciaga and others tried to make dad style acceptable, slating Jeremy Clarkson’s jeans-and-blazer look may seem misplaced. But we feel duty-bound to step in and stop this man from becoming a menswear icon. Stone-wash jeans, brown jackets and shirts unbuttoned to the sternum are not happening. Not on our watch.
Can we just put an end to footballers dressing themselves? Seeing as they’re starved of any meaningful childhood and put straight to task at the first sniff of talent, it stands to reason that they’re going to shop like giant, overpaid toddlers. They simply don’t know any better. But Neymar is a special case. Anime hair, “bling”, Fashion-Week posturing and streetwear done worse than frankly anyone else alive.
3. Chris Martin
“May all your troubles soon be gone,” wrote Coldplay in their recent Christmas hit. Indeed, it is important at this time of year to spare a thought for the less fortunate. Indigent, wretched and prone to rapacious and incomprehensible wailing due to a lack of societal worth, Chris Martin nonetheless manages to do his charitable bit. He looks like an animated Topman mannequin from 2005, which was the last time anyone else wore a long-sleeved top under a T-shirt.
2. Ben Affleck
We can all hope to look as good as Ben Affleck when we let ourselves go. Despite his estimated net worth of $105m, he dresses like a recently divorced dad who now lives alone with a set of mismatched cutlery and one plate.
1. Lewis Hamilton
Fast cars, fast money, fast becoming the greatest there ever was. On paper, Hamilton should be the coolest cat in Monaco. But in reality, he’s the sports non-personality of the year. These ensembles are what happens when the weakest fucboi in your group googles the word ‘cool’ and uses the top 10 image results as artistic direction. The result is probably the only high-earning super sportstar you wouldn’t want to trade places with.