For all intents and purposes, the fact that you are here, reading this, signals that you’re a) not a douchebag and b) on a quest to be the best-dressed version of yourself. Kudos.

With this in mind, we’ve shortlisted five of the most offensive items of clothing a would-be stylish man can own – all of which may well be hanging in your wardrobe at this very moment, ready to break out this season.

However, we would urge you to remove and banish these monstrosities into sartorial obscurity with immediate effect, should you wish to achieve your goal of being expertly attired.

Swap: Comedy Slogan T-shirts

How are people supposed to know you’re a funny guy if you don’t wear a T-shirt with an obnoxious slogan slapped across it, right? WRONG.

Comedy T-shirts are the devil’s work and pulling one on is about as socially corrosive as sharing a wardrobe with your old man. Of course, it’s fine to show some personality through your choice of clothing, perhaps by integrating clever idiosyncratic flourishes into your outfit here and there (think pocket squares, natty ties and lapel pins with tailoring).

But when it comes to tees, do yourself a favour and keep it classic in a plain crew neck or something with a subtle print.

For: Plain Or Printed T-Shirts

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Key Pieces

  • Gap Essential Pocket T-shirt
  • Asos Slim Fit T-shirt With Crew Neck
  • He By Mango Chest-pocket Soft Egyptian-cotton T-shirt
  • Asos T-shirt With Aztec Print In Relaxed Skater Fit
  • He By Mango Striped Cotton T-shirt
  • He By Mango Floral Print Cotton T-shirt
  • Uniqlo Men Packaged Dry Crew Neck Short Sleeve T-shirt
  • James Perse V-neck Cotton-jersey T-shirt
  • Reiss Dayton Marl V-neck T-shirt Black/marl
  • River Island Navy Floral Print T-shirt
  • Reiss Snoop Stripe Crew-neck T-shirt White
  • Hentsch Man Floral-print Cotton T-shirt

Swap: Bootcut Jeans

Yes, denim is this season’s biggest trend, but unless you call a Texan ranch ‘home’ and ride a horse to the ‘office’, chances are you don’t wear cowboy boots regularly.

And if you don’t need to accommodate ludicrously elaborate footwear, then there really is no excuse for wearing bootcut jeans, is there? Yes, bell-bottomed styles are experiencing something of a renaissance among the #menswear pack this season, but it won’t last – honest.

Keep your denim selection contemporary and leave 1970s cowboy styles to the fashion victims, opting for straight-leg and slim-fits instead.

For: Slim- Or Straight-Fit Denim

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Key Pieces

  • Wrangler Bostin Slim Jeans
  • Levis 501 Ct Tapered Jeans In Celebration
  • Edwin Jeans Ed80 Selvedge Slim Tapered Fit Unwashed
  • He By Mango Straight-fit Vintage Wash Bob Jeans
  • Uniqlo Men Slim Fit Straight Stretch Selvedge Jeans
  • Reiss Maurice Slim-fit Jeans Black
  • Nudie Jeans Thin Finn Slim-fit Organic Washed-denim Jeans
  • Nudie Jeans Grim Tim Slim-fit Organic Dry Denim Jeans
  • Frame Denim Badlands Slim-fit Washed-denim Jeans

Swap: The ‘Going Out’ Shirt

We get it. When temperatures rise, you’re no longer able to pull on your favourite leather jacket or sharp wool blazer for a night out, so how else are you going to make a statement and stand out?

No matter how fly you think you look as your strut your stuff on the sticky dance floor at your favourite club – there is no amount of expert shape-cutting to compensate for a truly horrendous ‘going out’ shirt.

Characterised by superfluous embellishments, pearlescent buttons, appliqué panels, and ugly ‘distressed’ sections, these shirts act as a sort of sartorial contraceptive. Put simply, wearing a gaudy club shirt severely reduces the chances of you getting cosy with anyone apart from yourself at the end of the night.

Instead, opt for low-key cotton Oxford shirt: a classic, fuss-free design that is sets the foundation of any stylish going out look – just smarten it up with a pair of decent brogues and some slim-fit selvedge denim.

For: The Classic Oxford Button-Down

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Key Pieces

  • Uniqlo Men Oxford Slim Fit Long Sleeve Shirt
  • Uniqlo Men Oxford Long Sleeve Shirt
  • He By Mango Slim-fit Cotton Oxford Shirt
  • Reiss Ascot Button-down Oxford Shirt Navy
  • Reiss Ascot Button-down Oxford Shirt Sky Blue
  • Ami Slim-fit Cotton Oxford Shirt

Swap: Beaded/Wooden Jewellery

Did you achieve fame in a 1990s boyband or lead the pack in an early 2000s frat boy film franchise? Oh, you didn’t? Then snatch that wooden beaded necklace off right this second, son.

If you’re a regular reader, then your wardrobe game is obviously ridiculously tight, so there’s no sense in undermining that by flirting with the kind of jewellery best left to surfer bros and men with ankles tattoos.

Instead, if you must adorn yourself, do so with some understated chains, rings and bracelets, such as the ones below. Carefully chosen, a classic design will never date and is an effortless way to add personality to your look.

For: Classic & Understated Jewellery

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Key Pieces

  • Icon Brand Rope Ring
  • Seven London Leather-detail Silver Band Ring
  • Nialaya Cable Ring
  • Tateossian Sterling Silver Woven Bangle
  • Paul Smith Shoes & Accessories Woven-leather Wrap Bracelet
  • Miansai Hook Leather Anchor Bracelet
  • Simon Carter Antique Finish Claw Necklace Exclusive To Asos
  • Icon Brand Arrow Necklace In Silver
  • Topman Create Multi Link Chain Necklace

Swap: Cargo Shorts

In years past, there was very much a ‘more the merrier’ mentality where pockets were concerned. Cargo shorts came with a frightening display of enormous sagging pouches to stow, well, whatever a man needed to shuttle about.

Nowadays, mercifully, the need to transport anything more than your iPhone and a debit card has rendered these pockets completely senseless and, as a result, the cargo short has been banished from shop shelves.

But if you’re still the dubiously proud owner of a pair, we would urge to do yourself a favour and exchange them for slim-fitting chino shorts as soon possible. Not only do smarter cuts stop you from teetering on the precipice of seriously uncool, but they can be dressed up or down on your say so.

For: Chino Shorts

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Key Pieces

  • Topman Khaki Longer Length Chino Shorts
  • Asos Chino Shorts In Mid Length
  • He By Mango 5 Pocket Bermuda Shorts
  • River Island Stone Slim Chino Shorts
  • River Island Red Skinny Chino Shorts
  • J.crew 9 Stanton Cotton-twill Shorts
  • Uniqlo Men Chino Shorts
  • Next Chino Shorts
  • Uniqlo Men Chino Shorts